I'm a 26-year-old man, and I genuinely feel that we, as men, have failed women.
I've been using Reddit for almost eight years, and my experience has been overwhelmingly positive. My inbox has mostly consisted of genuine discussions, people asking questions, or continuing conversations about things I've posted. I can barely remember receiving any random or creepy messages. A few days ago, I introduced my girlfriend to Reddit because I genuinely believed she'd enjoy the communities here. Reddit has some incredible communities where people help each other, share knowledge, and have meaningful discussions, and I wanted her to experience that side of the platform too.
She wanted to do something simple and kind. She made a post asking where she could donate some old clothes to an NGO. Someone replied saying they could help and that they knew where the clothes could be donated. It sounded completely genuine.
But when she followed up, he sent her such a vulgar and sexually explicit message that I can't even bring myself to repeat it here.
She was simply trying to do something kind. A normal conversation about donating clothes to charity was turned into something vile for absolutely no reason. She blocked him immediately.
When she showed me the message, I was genuinely disgusted. I couldn't believe someone could take such a simple act of kindness and twist it into something so vile.
But what stayed with me even more was what she said afterwards.
She said something along the lines of, "I'm more surprised by how normal this is for us. We've almost accepted that this is just what happens."
That sentence has been stuck in my head ever since.
The most shocking part wasn't the message itself. It was that she wasn't shocked. She was disgusted, frustrated, and disappointed, but not surprised. No one should ever become so used to harassment that it stops being surprising.
I've always known this exists. Every time I open Instagram and see a Reel featuring a woman, I scroll through the comments and see men objectifying her, making disgusting remarks about her body, or reducing her to something sexual. It doesn't matter whether she's talking about fitness, education, travel, comedy, or simply sharing a moment from her life. Time and time again, I see the same kind of comments. I've always found them revolting.
My girlfriend has told me about the messages she receives and the things women deal with online, and I've always believed her. What happened on Reddit wasn't an eye-opener. It was a reminder of just how deeply rooted and relentless this behaviour has become.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized how differently we experience the same world.
If I want to step outside at 11 PM to grab something from a nearby store, I just go. I don't stop to ask myself if it's safe. I don't wonder if someone will follow me. I don't think about whether I'm wearing the "right" clothes. I don't have to justify why I'm going somewhere.
For her, one of the first questions is often, "Is it safe?" Sometimes it's, "Will I be allowed to go?" Sometimes it's wondering how she'll get back home, whether it's too late, or whether she should just stay home instead.
Those thoughts rarely even cross my mind.
The same difference exists online.
When I make a Reddit post, I expect people to answer my question.
She has to wonder whether someone is going to turn a completely normal conversation into something disgusting.
The Reddit incident wasn't unique. It was just another example of the same mindset that shows up in Instagram comments, unsolicited DMs, and countless stories women share every single day. The platform changes, but the behaviour doesn't.
This is why I say we as men have failed women.
Not because every single man behaves like this.
But because this behaviour has become common enough that women expect it. They expect creepy DMs. They expect strangers to cross boundaries. They expect disgusting comments. They expect to think twice before going somewhere alone.
The part that disturbed me the most wasn't reading that message. It was realizing that the woman I love saw it as just another day on the internet. That should never be normal. No one should have to accept harassment as the cost of participating in online communities or simply existing in public.
If you're a man reading this and you've never behaved this way, then this isn't an attack on you. It's a reminder that our experience isn't universal. Just because we don't experience something ourselves doesn't mean it isn't happening every single day to the women around us.
And to every woman reading this, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that so many of you have had to grow up believing this is normal. I'm sorry that a simple act of kindness can turn into harassment. I'm sorry that you have to think twice before replying to a message, walking home at night, or simply existing online. Most of all, I'm sorry that so many of you have reached a point where you're no longer surprised when it happens.
You deserved better.
You still do.
