/b/ - Random

I was never raised with religion, at all, it was the first divergent factor in my upbringing, at the age of 8 or so, my father was working off-coast and I remember we were staying at South Africa for the first time for a conference, at night he was with friends and company and I was there, I asked him if God existed and he said no, we probably had a conversation but I don’t remember more. Ever since that specific moment I never developed faith. But as the years went on, I grew into and out of rick-and-morty-atheism, and slowly have now developed into a very spiritual person, who’s never going to answer direct questions about the nature of god because thats a stupid question. I studied Christianity out of interest and I still find it interesting, the writings of St. Augustine, christian metaphysics, the desert fathers, the orthodox monks, I even attempted to study the Oxford Academic Bible. At this point I was only seeing faith and the mechanisms of a metaphysical belief from the outside. I explored Buddhism deeply, later, attending a monastery for a short while, never ordaining of course, I watched and watched so many Ajahn Brahm lectures and read a few books to understand the Buddhist nature of self and still remain unconvinced at the reincarnation argument (If I was to be convinced of it, Id ordain immediately) I spoke to a younger guy today about, girls and relationships, and I noticed how much things just, things just are pervasive in the world where in you don’t even understand the extent to which you let unhelpful forces drive you. I think Jayne’s theory of consciousness is correct but Id go further to note that consciousness is not awareness and consciousness itself is an uncontrollable observed phenomenon masquerading as “you” because the ego illusion was required to exist (Simple test, try to think of a thought, and not receive it, if you thought of an apple, did you choose to think or did it spark, thoughts come to you, and your conscious self and ego are your thoughts and feelings, which are a result of an ongoing process that you observe) (you are entirely flavorless and silent in your mind) Right, so I was speaking to him and he was talking about some girl and how he “wanted to keep his hopes low just incase” and I had a moment of split recognition of both ways of thinking, I realized that this was wrong, much more incorrect than the statement lets itself have the weight for, and that it was a good safety mechanism. I asked, why not have high hopes? Well he answered, because if it doesnt work then you’ll be sad, then I asked himself and myself, if you actively can choose to accept or not, hope, then why not, at the moment of disappointment continue to have high hopes? “If this thing doesn’t work, Itll still be good later”? I don’t have a concrete thought here but, everyday I find that I depend more and more on myself as a vehicle for change and faith and the more I depend on myself and the more I pray, the more I protect my own “vibe” and my own happiness, the better life seems to get. Even the worst that life has to offer is now tapered with hope and happiness