/b/ - Random

When I think about how much I have lost because of these two things it makes me wanna kill myself. It makes me wanna cry endlessly hoping that there was some way to go back in time and do things the right way this time. No one else had to overcome any of this shit. No one else had to fight it. No one else suffered because of it. Only I was unfortunate enough to go through this. I have never seen a single NDfag in my entire life. I wasted so much time in waiting for the right circumstances when starting any task. I wasted so much time in trying to self-study because I wanted to create my own "perfect" curriculum. I wasted so much time in trying to study everything from scratch. I wasted so much time in deciding what do study and in what order. It's not even that I didn't want to study. Quite the opposite actually. I had deep interest in CS, math, and physics. But caring more about these subjects only made me worse in them. I fucked up several exams because of this, including JEE and ended up in a tier-3 college. Fortunately, I was still able to do well in college despite this. I never tried to study "perfectly" in college because by that time my interest in subjects like math and physics had kind of died out. I had become pretty blackpilled by that time and my only goal was to minimise suffering any way possible. I was able to graduate in B. Tech CSE with a CGPA of 7.8. But I was still never able to talk to girls or make any real friends in college. Most people who didn't know me thought that I was some kind of weirdo. Only when they actually talked to me they'd know that I am not that weird. I had really bad OCD even up till just a couple of years ago. It's crazy how mentally ill I have been for the past decade or so. I feel it's not as strong as it used to be but I still very much suffer from it. My anxiety keeps super stressed at all times. Some girls would actually make fun of me seeing how nervous and afraid I am. I also suffer from maladaptive daydreaming which I probably developed because of extreme loneliness in childhood. I am an only child and I had pretty much zero friends in my neighbourhood. I was able to make a few "friends" in school fortunately. I don't know why I have insomnia. May be it is just another manifestation of my neurodivergent brain. But it really fucked me up too. I used to suffer from severe brainfog because of not sleeping well. It still happens sometimes, but it's not that bad because I don't have to wake up at a fixed time anymore. This brainfog also prevented me from improving my social life. I just couldn't function. My brain would often make me do dumb shit in social situations. It didn't happen most of the time. But it happened often enough to keep social anxiety active and paralyse me.